Count Down

Time never seems to stop even for a moment.
Now we have grown too old for high school & too young for the real world.
& it seems that we are ready to be heard but no one is listening.
Sometimes it will take patience & courage to shout until we are noticed.
It is only a matter of time that we will be someone.
& weeks went by but felt like hours.
The past lately has felt sublime.
Spring will lie in summer showers.
& this is just the beginning of time.
Time is only counting down to the beginning.
So shout out to the last seconds until we graduate!

Home

A chandelier at the heart of my life.
The basement walls are bare & cold.
Light bleeds through the window wells & echos throughout the rooms.
Thirty feet down a concrete room is covered in paint & chalk.
Twenty two years of memories & stains.
I forgot about when I spray painted on the front porch until my mom pulled off the door step matt to see the mess.
Two stories up the floor boards are awake at night while I thought about life.
That started when I was too young to remember how to spell my full name.
I still think about my childhood memories in this house.
Mostly fights over the TV remote & magic cards.
Memories of alpine days & summer fireworks.
Then someone lit my backyard on fire & now fireworks is a no go in the neighborhood.
I climbed on my roof to get away from school & homework.
But mostly I was curious to see what was in the woods & today all I saw was dead trees & lost toys.
I thought that there were dinosaur bones under the leaves at the front of my house but they were just rocks.
I still believe I can reach the stars when I am on the roof top & that cougars rome around my house at night.
Up the road a river roared like Niagara Falls in the summer of 2013.
This was after the big fire show of our mountains.
I thought my house was gone but it was just hiding in the smoke.
I climbed the aspen tree to see if I could reach the top.
But I always got too afraid when looking down.
I was afraid of the dark because I thought something evil lived in shadows of my bedroom.
I feared my dad because he was a stranger to me, even to this day I imagine him to be a trucker at a gas station stop.
He hasn't left yet but it is nice to have company.
Born to be the youngest in the family I watched as my sibling left the comforts of home.
The house seemed to morn for the voices that once shouted throughout the halls.
I am left to live in an empty house hearing the echos of the past.
I take the time now to think about life within this house.
Remembering the sunsets & shooting stars through my bedroom window.

Fading Stars

Through the evolution & revolution of man we created light.
Through harvesting energy into electricity we can see at night.
Some said that the invention of the light bulb was going to be the downfall of man kind.
Some said that this was the beginning of a new era.
When I was a toddler I saw the amount of stars compared to the sands of the ocean.
But now more & more light dims the bright stars.
Now I can see just a few of what were many.

To: Light Soul But Heavy Mind

This is not an obituary but it is just a letter found on a sunday after noon.

It has come to a point now that I have taken life into my hands.
There is nothing that my parents can do to help me now.
These past years I have seen people change & realized I have changed too.
I came to be honest with others but not with my family.
Sometimes I think that is best for them because I worry about hurting them.
I worry about my dad because I might not see him again when I leave for my mission.
So I took it into my own hands & changed how I lived.
I choose to be someone I am not yet.
So I remember the word trust & what it means.

Tossed & thrown between everything.
Life seems to be more complex than writing this goodbye letter.
Now dishes need to be done but right now everyone sits at the dinner table in silence.
We all have felt the burden of sore muscles & worn minds.
I miss these simple moments because soon it will be gone.
I will be 5,707.59miles away in less than two months.
I can't forget the smiles that brightened my day.
It is the joy that is remembered.
Graduation has never come closer than before & I now realize faces will fade from my memory soon after this.
I will always remember the hammock hangouts & run away lunches.
Now we will meet once again to say goodbye as we walk across the stage.
We say hello to our future when we take our first step out into the new world.
So I remember the people who changed me, because without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today.
I just want you to know that this is a just a see you later letter & that there is plenty more to see in our lives.
& if I do see you again it will be worth it to talk to you.

-Sincerely Brenden Gajdos

Summer of 2015

In the summer of 2015 the wind was in my hair & all I needed was a blue Ipod Nano.
I took the risk of wearing no helmet & protection.
Just a pair of vans, corduroy shorts, & sun glasses.
I biked all day through the scars in the mountains.
I didn't want to stop, because I was afraid that my past would catch me.
Music explained my life & what I was pushing for.
As loud as I could bare, the noise of the world could not touch me.
It comes to a point that the sun sets & I had to come back to reality.
Only because I have forgotten my dreams a long time ago.
But I never stopped in my heart to become someone better than the old man.
Like paradise is on the other side of the sunset I don't lose hope.
Because one day I will be able to get away from my past.
With a worn blue ipod nano I still listen to the music that keeps me going.
Because in the summer of 2015 I lost my past & found my future.

Thanks I guess

Thank you pair of pants.
Even though you are not a pair you still keep my hairy legs warm.

Thank you orange.
Even though you don't rhyme with anything but door hinge you still taste sweet.

Thank you strawberries.
Even though you stained my favorite white button up shirt.
It is a nice shade of red.

Thank you facial hair.
You keep my face warm but I don't want to look like a pedophile.

Thank you Dictionary for helping me to understand certain words that I don't know.
But I still can't find those words because I don't know how to spell them.

Thank you Nelson.
Even though I forget where I am you remind me I am in Creative Writing.

Nagymama

Hallgasd meg a kacsák hangjukat.
Csendesen állok, csak hogy hallni az édes kacsa hangját.
Emlékszem nagymamámnak a kacsák rajzolásaira.
Nagymama elfelejtett.
Tizennégy éves voltam az ősz Szeptember 2012be.
Néha gondolok.
Nagymama tette a legjobb magyar desszertek, hogy én is emlékszem.
Az igazság tudtam, hogy Magyarország az otthonom.
Parizs semmi volt ahhoz képest, hogy Magyarország. Habár nem éltem egyik helyen azt legalább tudom, honnan jöttem.
A származásom egy kisvárosból jön Vissnek hívják.
Tapasztaltam sok élettörténetet.
Láttam sok háborút.
Láttam a világ változásait őseimnek szemén keresztül.
Az életük döntéseinek köszönhetően itt vagyok.
Élették és most élek én.
Velem a családom történetét jön.
Emlékszem arra, hogy mit tettek, tehát talán jobban tudok dönteni.
Emlékszem arra, hogy voltak aranyos ágak, Karácsony a hetedikén, csomagolt csokoládé a fán, tejbegríz (desszert) iskola után, a magyar élet, de édes szívek.
Emlékszem a házi csokoládéra.
Emlékszem a családi történetekre.
Emlékszem az őseimre.
Emlékszem rájuk.
Emlékszem arra, hogy aki vagyok.

A Small Town In Hungary

In Viss, the walls are faded & the faces are shaded.
The old folks are gray at heart, but the young are full of light.
Untarnished from life's wear & tear they explore the backyard of their imagination.
Riding bikes down past the railroad tracks; they peddle with all their might.
Hopping to beat the train with no hesitation.
The old folks watch the rays of joy emanate from their bright faces.
Remembering the childish games they once loved.
The kids at the end of the street play wall ball at the suns last graces.
Tired they walk home where they are beloved.
They are welcomed by the sweet smell of honey & baked warm bread.
By dusk the town of Viss is asleep.
A single light shines from the street lamp at the heart of Viss.
In Viss, the memories are bright & clear on the corner of a street.

Enough To Be Said

Tonight I am going to share music.
I am too tired to write today.
Too much going on.
But I had a great week end with part of the old crew.

M.A.S.H. Left Over Gifs

Sofar Sounds

Some Good Quality Music.

On The Menu For Today

On the menu for today, alcohol is our best seller because everyone who orders this has something they want to forget. 

If you are not looking forward to forgetting your life I highly suggest going with the parsley. 
Warning: parsley is bitter, but not as bitter as life can be. 
Take this if you want to be reminded that life is not only bitterness.

Last is the salt. 
The finest kosher salt, because we have to have something for the Jews.

The best way to apply the salt is into the cuts of your past and remember every painful sin you've committed.

The things we eat slowly kill us inside. 
Not like poison but the choices we make, because every sin stings more than the last. 
Just make sure your sins don't show because that is not ethnical. 
If you insist on revealing every flaw you will wake up with the word "SINNER" tattooed to the inside of your eye lids & you won't be able to forget who you truly are. 

But that is okay. 
Don’t forget who you are because when you forget yourself, when you forget your sins, you lose your sanity.

Because I got to admit that I have sinned the same sin more than once. 
I morn for the clarity of a sinless life. 
So I take the salt to remind me of my sins to make sure I never make the same mistake again. 
Every time I blink my sins is a constant reminder of who I am & I don’t need any alcohol to suppress the deep secrets inside of me. 
For I like my sins & I don’t want to forget who I am.

Cheers (British accent)

Chapter 11 & a Half.

I got 117 days to say goodbye to Lone Peak.

I got 79 school days to remember to be the best of my 12-year diploma.

I got 3 older brothers that are taller than Frank Jackson.

I got 1 sister that likes to live like a model but clean people's teeth for a living.

I got 2 cats that are named Si & kitty.

Sorry for not naming the last one with a reasonable name.

I got 1 house that I have lived in since I was born.

I got too many life stories & not old enough to drink to forget them.

I got 3 names & they spell out B.I.G.

I got 10 fingers that like to hold hands.

I got 10 toes that break too easily.

I got 1 religion & I don't plan to change from that.

I got 740 & counting songs to listen to.

I got 2.13 GBs of used art, videos, drafts, & published letters on my flash drive.

I got 2 rock climbing harnesses & no shoes that fit.

I got 1 million things to say but I forget to write them down.

I got 1 reason why I am here & it is to learn from Mr. Nelson.

I got 1 reason I got to live.

& That is enough to be who I am.

-Brenden Gajdos

Real Talk

If you knew me, you'd know I wanted to leave Utah a long time ago.

Somewhere where I can explore. 

Out into the fields is a future worth exploring.

If you knew me, you'd know I enjoy service work more than myself.

You'd know I would serve for the rest of my life

if I didn't have to worry about myself.

If you knew me, you'd know when I was a kid

who cried when someone got hurt. 

As if their pain was conducted through me.

I am a forgetful person, 

like a child who doesn't know what is going on until I forget about it.

If you knew me, you'd know I never forget names of those who impacted my life.

So sorry if I forget you, it's because you never remembered me.

If you knew me, you'd know I sometimes forget my friends. 

Who they are & why they know me.

Music is why my heart beats.

You'd know I can't play an instrument.

If you knew me, you'd know I get away from home as often as I can.

You'd know I like anything better than what I got at home.

Because I feel more at home when I got no shelter.

If you knew me, you'd know sleep is not a motivator for me.

It's a waste of my time when I could get creativity flown at its prime.

You'd know I like to wear onesies.

If you knew me, you'd know I fool myself too many times.

I hedged too many feeling of mine heart & mind

and now I get tangled in the smallest degree of my immense emotions.

I can't decide anything, because afterwards I regret it in the end.

If you knew me, you'd know I am a post card that has a pretty picture of a pretty place.

That is all that I am.

I am just the Gajdos kid who does so well at saying the sacrament prayers.

Thank you all for noticing, but I don't like the attention.

If you knew me, you'd know I am just like my dad, who is just like my grandmother who carries too many things. 

My room is an artists mess.

Holding onto too many things just to remind me of some distant memory I had.

If you knew me, you'd know it takes me two or three tries before I give up.

So if you don't want to date me, just say it up front.

Don't say no to me after we get married.

If you knew me, you'd know I like single dating.

Then I won't get nervous about missing something in the conversation.

I can see who you really are. 

But that doesn't matter because,

I was cursed with an incessant love of everyone.

If you knew me, you'd know I am optimistic.

So I will shout out,

Live a life worth telling as a bedtime story.

Recalling Utopia

I remember my life. 
My Past.
It was easy & every student wrote like they had something to say.
This air it was mine before it was yours.
I hate small talk & polite conversations & fake moments with people I don't care about.
I'm afraid of boring people, but I'm no longer afraid of my dad.
A waste of potential.
I still remember the moon, the sun, & everything in between
I remember the clouds that gave us time. 
Time ain't gonna stop us now.
I remember thinking about tourists and moons
I remember Home
I remember what life is really like,
I remember my potential.
I remember standing out in the middle of a field, alone.
I remember myself. young, realizing for the first time I am mortal
I remember the only thing that matters to me is family
I remember One.Two.Three. but Not Four.
I remember My back hurt & my knees starting telling me when storms were near.
I remember watching the late afternoon light.*
I remember a Letter to a Young Poet.
I remember The rain.
I remember Other people's dreams.
I remember Other people's problems.
I remember my mother's voice
I remember an old photo album of me
I remember that every year flowers die & trees lose their leaves & nobody cries.
I remember we're all dying But look how nice the day was.
I remember how long I can hold my breath.
I remembered my childhood the other day,
I remember Somewhere in the basement, I wrote my name on the wall. But someone else lives there now.
I remember trying to forgive my dad.
I remember

Senior Year

Home, Sweet Home.

I am prisoner 4103.
I live just down the hall; to the right at cell 251.
I have lived here in sunny valley prison for 14 years.
14 years down & a whole life to go.
Make that 3 life sentences.
You don't need to know why I got here.
You just need to know why I live.
Getting shut out from the rest of the world I live alone.
Hearing the serenade of screaming voices outside my cell never brought me closer to home.
Everyone I have know is gone & I live here just to remember them.
I am prisoner 4103 & welcome to my home.

Shots Worth Shooting

When you tell your dad about us being together.

Dang.

I mess up and fear kicks in.

Silence.

Shots fired & I am lying on the floor.

I defiantly do not have a chance with you again.

Especially when your dad pulled the trigger.

INKED WORDS

EXODUS 28:2-3

Bear their names... bear their names... bear the iniquity... for glory... for beauty. EXODUS 28

Break off... thy Gods, EXODUS 32:2-4

The man that... is become of him. EXODUS 32:23

EXODUS 35:26

Every wise hearted man... know how to... command... every... heart. EXODUS 36:1-2

They brought... men that... work for the offering of the sanctuary. EXODUS 36:3-6

EXODUS 36:38

How great is that darkness! 3NEPHI 13:23

They shall hear my voice; 3NEPHI 15:17

They shall hear my voice, 3NEPHI 16:3

Time is at hand... that ye cannot understand. Ponder upon the things... towards you. Have ye any that... are afflicted in any manner? Have compassion... that ye desire... faith. 3NEPHI 17:1-8

More or less... the gates of Hell are ready open to receive... you. 3NEPHI 18:13-14.

The morrow... raised... the dead. Jesus had chosen... twelve bodies. 3NEPHI 19:4-5

Bring forth... earth. 3 NEPHI 18:1-2

Listen Loud 'Cause I Am Saying This Once.

There are notes that I have written but never read.
I want them to be kept as secrets.
But these secrets I have locked up in an old wooden box.
My teachers tell me to dig up, pick up, & give up my secrets.
Secrets were meant to keep away from the world.
Especially when the world would get offended.
I keep secrets to myself, because sometimes I can only trust myself.
So leave me alone in my bedroom with the view of the mountains.
Authors don't need names but just need to be heard.
If my words are not enough to sooth your mind then I will tell.
I am, I am who I was supposed to be.

Every day there is something to work on.
Some how to become better.
I become someone that I can bear with.
I forgiven others & sometimes myself.
I understand the simplicity of life but I feel there is more.
I trusted people with given sentences of my life & now I forgot who hasn't returned them.
I have forgotten how my life story goes.
But now I am closer to paradise & all is needed is to take a step.
I am ready to give a chance.
I am ready to go.
I am Brenden Gajdos.

I will always be running into the sun.
Even till it goes dark.
I'll be in the background.
I'll be in the crowd.
I'll be forgotten.
Just wait & see.
But I will always be running.
Running into the past memories that I remember.
In the end I will be a figment of your past.
But one thing I don't want you to forget.
We only live when we touch the hearts of those we meet.
Don't forget that everyday counts for those who only got a handful.
Everyday I got is a blessing from God.
& one day you will see.
Voices are heard from the tapes we've made in the past.
Voices that changed hearts are still changing hearts now.
You will see that faces don't matter just as long as you remember their voices.
The voices of those who changed the world.
Remember my voice and not my face.
Thank you.
-Sincerely, Brenden Gajdos

Moments Heard

Here we go!
This is the time of our lives.
This is my shining moment.
Everyday is my moment.
Everyday is our moment so don't let go so easily.
Express every moment in great detail, 5 years from now you can reread the highlights of your life.
Live life.
Live to love.
Live to be kind.
Live to be caring.
Live to be yourself.
So don't tell me to stop because I am trying to go & see the world from the top of my roof.
I am not like the rest of the world.
I don't need any proof that hearts can feel.
I just know they can feel because I listen.
I listen to my heart.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for reading.
But this moment I don't want to be noticed for my name...

                                 ....but for what the words of my voice have to say.

Not Ready To Confess

Never revealing who I am.

Too busy & won't have the time to do it right.

Even then you don't need to know who I am.

It's not about the person.

It's all about the words, the music, & what you take out of my writing.

So give me something to read because I need to feed my inspired mind.

& without written word man kind is blind.

& without fear nothing can be conquered.

But the fear I face is a brick wall that never ends to the left & to the right.

Looking up this wall, it goes through the clouds & into space.

& no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I just can't face it. 

Not yet.

Can't break through it.

Fear closes in.

Confined on all sides this wall closes me in.

In a dark hole with a shadow of light a hundred miles above my head.

Not yet.

Someday.

Just not today.

LISTEN LOUD

music |ˈmyoōzik|

noun

 1 the art or science of combining vocal or instrumental sounds (or both) to produce beauty of form, harmony, and expression of emotion : he devoted his life to music.

• the vocal or instrumental sound

Music bleeds through my skin.
That is the way it has been.
& sometimes I imagine myself living on the dark side of the moon.
In the middle of june just rockin out to some tunes.
I have lived in a homeless house since I was born.
I feel as though I am a hobo living in the town of New York.
Lost & hopeless I just stand in the middle of an intersection. Standing alone at rush hour with earbuds in & shutting the world out.
Peace & tranquility gets better when I play my music a little louder.
So when you see a kid with earbuds in walking down the street.
Just remember that, that kid over there is trying to become someone.
And I am trying to find myself in this world to see if I exist.
The only way I know how to do that is to listen to the past voices of those who found themselves.

I got to say life seems a little sweeter when I got a song to relate to.
& when I heard  my voice for the first time I knew I finally found myself.
I just knew.

Happy Birthday Mom, sorry that it sucked

I understand.

Dad. I understand.

I understand that things don’t go as planned.

I also understand that mom; you are the best mother on the face of this planet.

And mom; you should be praised for at least two days of the year if not every day of every year.

No one should say otherwise.

Dad.

Dad. Look at me.

I have had a terrible life of not having you in it.

And I need you now.

Mom needs you now and I understand.

And I hear you constantly say that you ‘tried’ and you ‘tried’, but you just need to try a little harder.

Go ahead and forget what I have just said.

Say that, “it won’t matter much longer because I’ll be gone before you know it.”

Huh.

Say to me, “Shorty, don’t worry”

But every day I worry of waking up to this life that I am living in.

By the end we just act normal, behaving like nothing happened.

Lets just finish the birthday cake and continue on with our lives.

Well.

Sorry but I just can’t do this.

Dad. I can’t do this.

Dad. I can’t deal with this and mom is crying several of the many days of her life.

And I; I am just waiting for you to say, “it won’t matter much longer” because one day you’ll be gone, and I will not have a thought cross my mind of feeling sad for you.

Hearts Live Lives

A bitter heart tastes better when it's your own. 

Being blind is easy when it comes to weaknesses. 

"I don't have any blemishes but I can point out many flaws in other people."-Me. Sorry.

We all get bitter hearted but that doesn't mean that we need to be blinded.

See around you.

See that we are not just faces but living souls,

Because out there the world judges with an iron mallet.

Instead of holding hands we bare arms.

Love is not meant to be said but to be felt.

Like a tattoo let "LOVE" be written on ours hearts.

Say something nicer than, "ugly."

Those who say otherwise I say this, "THEY ARE WRONG."

Sure we have broken bones & broken souls but we aren't giving up!

It is time to be lovers underneath covers.

For war never had a friend. 

And we have to believe that the world is wrong.

But when we try to yell & no one chooses not to hear, do we make a sound.

Teachers ask of what we want to be but neglect of what we say.

As though we need to become what we are not.

Now I never tell what I truly want to be,

For I don't want to be nothing.

My dreams got called names too.

Silly. Stupid. Pointless.

There is something inside of you that makes you try to brush off those who tell you to quit.

We have to believe that they are wrong.

For life has to deal less with pain & more to do with love.

Closed

Thank you for calling Tea & Crumpets, sorry that we couldn't get to you.
We are closed today.
We are open from now to never on monday through friday.
On saturday, don't even bother & sunday is our day off.
Thank you for calling Tea & Crumpets, please don't call again.
If so call 1(925)-398-8888.
Thank you & have a great day.

Please... don't turn away from me

The truth is... that we go together like chocolate strawberries.

I am only here to make you taste a little bit sweeter. 

I don't want to forget the good moments together. 

The real moments. 

It can seem so real you & me, but I just don't have the courage to ask you to hold my hand. 

I will kiss you & ask for you forgiveness rather than request the true kiss that was not wasted. 

But when is it the right time to do this? 

How can I risk this? 

Where would we shatter as we finally meet? 

I just need to think it all through so I don't mess up on my first kiss. 

My palms are sweaty & I just think something is not right.

I need to get out of here. 

But I can't leave you because I don't know when I will ever see you again.

I'll take your hand.

Take all the air I can before we shoot to space.

Embrace.

I want this flash of time to be genuine. 

I want this breathless second to be real. 

We are evidently meant to be in sync. 

Like yin finally found yang in junior year yet went to the same school since timberline middle school.

But why now, why not two years ago that I could have met you.

I got a crush on you that is so obvious.

I help but ask if you want to go on a date with me?

Maybe this Saturday, around 8pm?

-instructions-

The Disease Within

Fear runs too deep into my past.
Like vines fear has grown rooted inside of me.
If you tried to extract it from my body, then I would be torn to pieces and blood would be everywhere.
I fear too much.
I am afraid of death.
Not just because of what my life will be known for, but what death becomes of me.
Death is the only reason for me to live longer.
What drags me closer to death is the disease within.
This disease inside of me will consume me.
I will have no control over my body, yet still conscious and feel the pain of my unresponsive figure.
I fear of becoming my father.
I have seen this same disease inside of me evolve from my dad.
The disease inside took control of him.
The doctors tried to remove it...

That was the day he died.
Something is controlling his silhouette body.
I fear of becoming my father; yet, this fear forces me to fight this disease.
This fear impulses me to fight for my free life.
If I do not, then my body will be nothing more than the disease inside.

Feeling Alive

My hands are bleeding.
Cannot hold on to what I have now.
Reach for the last stone.
Grasp the surface with my fingers.
Tearing off scars when falling away with anguish.
Gritting teeth and salty sweat in dry eyes.
Won't give up.
Know it hurts.
No excuse.
Common sense decided to leave early tonight.
Staring eyes upon crippled hands.
Don't mind.
Sweet sounds flow through the ears.
Shaking with adrenalin.
Forget about human nature.
Stress does not get inside.
Muscles are tight.
Blood is flowing through wounds.
Energy is low.
Strength is neutral.
Determination is high.
Walk to where it all began.
Grasp the stones.
It is all or nothing.
Trigger is pulled.
Lacerated tissues and wrenching pain.
Finish is in sight.
No breath and seconds to last.
My body says no, but my mind says yes.
I take hold of the gem, the finish.
In an instant, like something from hell plucks me off like an apple.
Ready for eating.
This time I scream.
Not of pain.
Not for falling.
I deteriorate.
Had a hand on the finish and just let it slip.
Picking up the shredded pieces of me.
Live off of every single beat of my heart.
Not yet.
Not now.
Defeat is not known.
My collapsing heart still lives.
Will live on.
Will grasp that last stone.
Will be triumphant.