The Disease Within

Fear runs too deep into my past.
Like vines fear has grown rooted inside of me.
If you tried to extract it from my body, then I would be torn to pieces and blood would be everywhere.
I fear too much.
I am afraid of death.
Not just because of what my life will be known for, but what death becomes of me.
Death is the only reason for me to live longer.
What drags me closer to death is the disease within.
This disease inside of me will consume me.
I will have no control over my body, yet still conscious and feel the pain of my unresponsive figure.
I fear of becoming my father.
I have seen this same disease inside of me evolve from my dad.
The disease inside took control of him.
The doctors tried to remove it...

That was the day he died.
Something is controlling his silhouette body.
I fear of becoming my father; yet, this fear forces me to fight this disease.
This fear impulses me to fight for my free life.
If I do not, then my body will be nothing more than the disease inside.

Feeling Alive

My hands are bleeding.
Cannot hold on to what I have now.
Reach for the last stone.
Grasp the surface with my fingers.
Tearing off scars when falling away with anguish.
Gritting teeth and salty sweat in dry eyes.
Won't give up.
Know it hurts.
No excuse.
Common sense decided to leave early tonight.
Staring eyes upon crippled hands.
Don't mind.
Sweet sounds flow through the ears.
Shaking with adrenalin.
Forget about human nature.
Stress does not get inside.
Muscles are tight.
Blood is flowing through wounds.
Energy is low.
Strength is neutral.
Determination is high.
Walk to where it all began.
Grasp the stones.
It is all or nothing.
Trigger is pulled.
Lacerated tissues and wrenching pain.
Finish is in sight.
No breath and seconds to last.
My body says no, but my mind says yes.
I take hold of the gem, the finish.
In an instant, like something from hell plucks me off like an apple.
Ready for eating.
This time I scream.
Not of pain.
Not for falling.
I deteriorate.
Had a hand on the finish and just let it slip.
Picking up the shredded pieces of me.
Live off of every single beat of my heart.
Not yet.
Not now.
Defeat is not known.
My collapsing heart still lives.
Will live on.
Will grasp that last stone.
Will be triumphant.

Childhood Bricks

Not remembering my childhood is the best decision of my life. 
I don't remember all the weight that I had to bear when I was a wee lad. 
I imagine my childhood as a normal kid.
Doing the homework that my teachers gave me & playing with everyone during recess was the dream. 
In reality I was born sick. 
I never got over it. 
Homework was work with no pay to me. 
I got another class just to think through my life. 
Recess though; that was fun. 
I forgot my situations & lived a boys' dream. 
I played football with my best friend & was the star running back. 
I felt important. 
Now back to the life. 
My special class gave me bricks to help with my problems. 
I took all my bricks and stacked them in my backpack. 
I guess I needed all I could get because of my situations. 
I forgot to do my homework again & got twice as much bricks to make up the difference. 
Being crushed by the weight I continued to live this way. 
No one told me that I could be living a normal boys life.
They told me that there is a better way now.
I wish they told me this before it was too late.
Having gathered all those bricks from all those years has strengthened me to carry on.
Now I continue to carry on a few bricks. 
I didn't want to forget how I become the person I am today. 
I just remember my bricks & how they built me into a brick man. 
I just wish I didn't have to give up my heart in order to survive the overwhelming burdens of my childhood problems- my childhood bricks.

Nightmares

I just can't think. 

I don't want to blink. 

I am afraid of what will be manifested in my mind. 

Being left alone with my nightmares I am confined.

The darkness slowly eats inside of me, 

until all that is left is the dark soul of misery. 

A shadow of what I was. 

Death waits with open jaws.

I am nothing.

Not one thing.

I do not want to think because I am afraid.

Now seeing the executioner sharpening his axe blade. 

Listening to my last breath.

I am afraid of death. 

I am afraid of death.

Overshadowing me he glides.

He holds my hand as he guides. 

Waiting to lift the soul out of my cold corps;

I promised him, I begged him, I swore to him;

If he would give me one more chance.

Given one insight of my life,

& I saw you at first glance. 

Do not think I have been this nervous about my thoughts.

And now I have held it in too long because now my stomach have knots.

It makes me fade from reality;

and now my nightmares have become my normality. 

Life is not as it seems to be. 

I guess I have lost that key.

News are creating opinions, 

that is making collisions. 

But in the end I fall into this motion.

I don't insist on this notion.

I am just like one of you.

Adieu.

Lovers Dream

At night and asleep I dream about you and sometimes can see the silhouette of your face.
Throughout my life I think about you.
I think about you like the waves think about gliding on the beach.
I think about you like the moon thinks about kissing the calm seas.
I think about you like a little child thinks about warm hugs on a winters day.
I don't want to let you go.
It is dark outside and I am in my bed.
I dream of a beautiful girl, with a warm smile as she looks towards me.
I want to know who you are.
I want to know why you care.
I want to be the man that is good.
That is strong.
That is faithful.
I want to be the man for you.
So wherever you are in my dreams, I'll be dreaming of you.
And in the end you are dreaming of me too.
Sharing a lovers dream.

Forgotten Love

LOVE

True Love.

Is what brings us together today.

But what is love?

I want to know how to love;

How to be loved;

How to know you're in love.

So tell me all those sappy love stories like,

"When we first met I didn't know you would be so important to me."

"You didn't whisper it into my ear, but into my heart."

"We feel in love by chance. We stay in love by choice."

"Just hold me in your arms and never let go." 

"The best thing to hold on is each other."

"Heaven is a place on earth with you."

but by the end I am alone without you...

trying to remember your poems...

...trying to remember what love felt.

trying to remember how 

I fell in love with you.