The Disease Within

Fear runs too deep into my past.
Like vines fear has grown rooted inside of me.
If you tried to extract it from my body, then I would be torn to pieces and blood would be everywhere.
I fear too much.
I am afraid of death.
Not just because of what my life will be known for, but what death becomes of me.
Death is the only reason for me to live longer.
What drags me closer to death is the disease within.
This disease inside of me will consume me.
I will have no control over my body, yet still conscious and feel the pain of my unresponsive figure.
I fear of becoming my father.
I have seen this same disease inside of me evolve from my dad.
The disease inside took control of him.
The doctors tried to remove it...

That was the day he died.
Something is controlling his silhouette body.
I fear of becoming my father; yet, this fear forces me to fight this disease.
This fear impulses me to fight for my free life.
If I do not, then my body will be nothing more than the disease inside.

Feeling Alive

My hands are bleeding.
Cannot hold on to what I have now.
Reach for the last stone.
Grasp the surface with my fingers.
Tearing off scars when falling away with anguish.
Gritting teeth and salty sweat in dry eyes.
Won't give up.
Know it hurts.
No excuse.
Common sense decided to leave early tonight.
Staring eyes upon crippled hands.
Don't mind.
Sweet sounds flow through the ears.
Shaking with adrenalin.
Forget about human nature.
Stress does not get inside.
Muscles are tight.
Blood is flowing through wounds.
Energy is low.
Strength is neutral.
Determination is high.
Walk to where it all began.
Grasp the stones.
It is all or nothing.
Trigger is pulled.
Lacerated tissues and wrenching pain.
Finish is in sight.
No breath and seconds to last.
My body says no, but my mind says yes.
I take hold of the gem, the finish.
In an instant, like something from hell plucks me off like an apple.
Ready for eating.
This time I scream.
Not of pain.
Not for falling.
I deteriorate.
Had a hand on the finish and just let it slip.
Picking up the shredded pieces of me.
Live off of every single beat of my heart.
Not yet.
Not now.
Defeat is not known.
My collapsing heart still lives.
Will live on.
Will grasp that last stone.
Will be triumphant.

Childhood Bricks

Not remembering my childhood is the best decision of my life. 
I don't remember all the weight that I had to bear when I was a wee lad. 
I imagine my childhood as a normal kid.
Doing the homework that my teachers gave me & playing with everyone during recess was the dream. 
In reality I was born sick. 
I never got over it. 
Homework was work with no pay to me. 
I got another class just to think through my life. 
Recess though; that was fun. 
I forgot my situations & lived a boys' dream. 
I played football with my best friend & was the star running back. 
I felt important. 
Now back to the life. 
My special class gave me bricks to help with my problems. 
I took all my bricks and stacked them in my backpack. 
I guess I needed all I could get because of my situations. 
I forgot to do my homework again & got twice as much bricks to make up the difference. 
Being crushed by the weight I continued to live this way. 
No one told me that I could be living a normal boys life.
They told me that there is a better way now.
I wish they told me this before it was too late.
Having gathered all those bricks from all those years has strengthened me to carry on.
Now I continue to carry on a few bricks. 
I didn't want to forget how I become the person I am today. 
I just remember my bricks & how they built me into a brick man. 
I just wish I didn't have to give up my heart in order to survive the overwhelming burdens of my childhood problems- my childhood bricks.

Nightmares

I just can't think. 

I don't want to blink. 

I am afraid of what will be manifested in my mind. 

Being left alone with my nightmares I am confined.

The darkness slowly eats inside of me, 

until all that is left is the dark soul of misery. 

A shadow of what I was. 

Death waits with open jaws.

I am nothing.

Not one thing.

I do not want to think because I am afraid.

Now seeing the executioner sharpening his axe blade. 

Listening to my last breath.

I am afraid of death. 

I am afraid of death.

Overshadowing me he glides.

He holds my hand as he guides. 

Waiting to lift the soul out of my cold corps;

I promised him, I begged him, I swore to him;

If he would give me one more chance.

Given one insight of my life,

& I saw you at first glance. 

Do not think I have been this nervous about my thoughts.

And now I have held it in too long because now my stomach have knots.

It makes me fade from reality;

and now my nightmares have become my normality. 

Life is not as it seems to be. 

I guess I have lost that key.

News are creating opinions, 

that is making collisions. 

But in the end I fall into this motion.

I don't insist on this notion.

I am just like one of you.

Adieu.

Lovers Dream

At night and asleep I dream about you and sometimes can see the silhouette of your face.
Throughout my life I think about you.
I think about you like the waves think about gliding on the beach.
I think about you like the moon thinks about kissing the calm seas.
I think about you like a little child thinks about warm hugs on a winters day.
I don't want to let you go.
It is dark outside and I am in my bed.
I dream of a beautiful girl, with a warm smile as she looks towards me.
I want to know who you are.
I want to know why you care.
I want to be the man that is good.
That is strong.
That is faithful.
I want to be the man for you.
So wherever you are in my dreams, I'll be dreaming of you.
And in the end you are dreaming of me too.
Sharing a lovers dream.

Forgotten Love

LOVE

True Love.

Is what brings us together today.

But what is love?

I want to know how to love;

How to be loved;

How to know you're in love.

So tell me all those sappy love stories like,

"When we first met I didn't know you would be so important to me."

"You didn't whisper it into my ear, but into my heart."

"We feel in love by chance. We stay in love by choice."

"Just hold me in your arms and never let go." 

"The best thing to hold on is each other."

"Heaven is a place on earth with you."

but by the end I am alone without you...

trying to remember your poems...

...trying to remember what love felt.

trying to remember how 

I fell in love with you.

Old Records Become New Records

                                 ...my mind is coated in a layer of dust

                                                                         ...like an old record I blow the dirt away

          ...using it for the first time since centuries

                                                         ...I see the lack of knowledge that I once had

                         ...where did it all go?

                                                 ...I don’t know, but I can start a new

                                                                    ...So I blow off the dust from these records

        ...& make a new song, a new life.

World Class Jerk

        These are the people who eat little kids for lunch.

   They are not the ones who steal your lunch money, but they are the one’s who think they are better than you.

        They prove this by discriminating you for who you are.

   They pester you & never care for who you are.

       They try to rip your heart out because they don’t have one.

   We try to forget what they have done but at times the reoccurring thoughts of the pain & anguish they have caused takes over your mind & you try to forget.

    You try…      

                    …to forget.

HUE MAN

The shadows of man. We fight the natural man but 
what happens during this hostile encounter?

"You may either win your peace or buy it; win it, by resisting evil; or buy it, by compromising with evil." -John Ruslom

There is no plain evil, but in the moments that we have been given we chose to do wrong or right.

ENGLISH TIME-

Definition of Evil: profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity, especially when regarded as a supernatural force.

The world is not sinless & yet expects perfection.

Sorry but I have sinned.

I guess I must leave the room for saying that.

I am DY4RANT for this & my differences show who I am.

"I didn't belong as a kid, & that always bothered me. If only i'd known that one day my differentness would have been much easier." -Bette Midler

I feel nothing, as though my soul has been stolen by the devil!

I can't do it! -my body says

I don't know my life! -my mind says

I don't know my childhood. -I say...

Who was I?

My heart gets crushed so easily & I don't know why.

I have complete trust in anyone, but why is it hard for others to trust in me?

Am I too foreign?

Am I too much European to handle?

Yet I was born in 'Emerica', raised by America, & yet I have the burning passion of my motherland.

So I am not a robot?

What?

I feel dreams.

I smell the color yellow when I feel happy.

I taste red as pain seeps through my cuts and scabs.

I am...

            ...real.

Don't paint your life with lies just to make it look decretive.

Leave that chair bare, free of varnish, free of paint, & free of deceit.

Show the real you.

No lies.

All truth; even if it hurts when you feel the splinters in your hands.

DY4RANT

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Sorry, I Need to Find Myself First

How can I be in a relationship if I can’t tell her who I am, let me rephrase that.
I don’t fully understand who I am.
I look in the mirror & see _______ ______;
A kid who doesn’t know himself.
I try to think about it but it hurts.
It hurts to know I am not the man I want to be.
I often think about it while looking as though I am zoning out, & then I realize others are gazing at me…
She is amazing, but I just don’t know if I could ever be her boyfriend.
I just feel as though I am not ready yet.
So much peer pressure saying of who is with whom, but what all I am hearing is a foreign language all together.
I am struggling enough as it is to find myself & now my peers want me to get into a relationship.
I don’t know anything about relationships… So can I get my blood checked & have some guy tell me WHAT I am, WHO I am, what my values are & how I can become better.
Finding myself is like being an adventurer.
It might take a while, but when I do find myself, I will become the man that I wanted to be.

Colorless Crayons

Crayons seem to have every color but black and white.

Where are they?

Am I not seeing them and that is it? 

I don’t like colors.

Colors expose the emotions that you wouldn’t see in black and white. 

I only remember my past in shades of grey because I would have gone emotionally insane in color. 

When I was a child, I never cared about my hair or clothes or even who I was. 

So when my teacher asks of me to pick a colorful crayon, I couldn’t.

I want to confess… I am not a crayon expert.

So I grabbed a black crayon.

My teacher looks at me in disappointment.

Seems as though she said I lost my creativity. 

Where did I go WRONG to lose my creativity?

Was it because I picked a black crayon?

I became so NUMB.

Trying to become the person that others wanted me to be, I gave it up.

I picked the black crayon...

and I don't regret it.

UNIVERSAL MINDS

My mind is plastered on the walls.
You can see every emotion & memory that I had; the good & the bad.

You might as well mention the ugly.

I haven’t explored everything in my mystery mind.

I don’t know if every place on this earth has been explored.

I wonder what is in my head, & then I turn to be afraid

afraid of my mind

I am afraid of thee unknown  

I am afraid of being alone

I am afraid of myself

I am afraid of what I would become.

It seems to me that I make many more mistakes than rights.

Losing hope I abandoned all things.

Abandoned all my dreams.

I am left with the monsters.

They are not under my bed, but they live inside my head.

thee odd ball' hat

A hunting hat for lumber jacks... 

Not many people can think of that.  

Sometimes I wish I was a lumber jack.  

It seems as though they are predicted to be tough, like nothing can come in between them & their axe. 

They are so mentally strong & built like a brick wall, yet I am shoved aside like a piece of trash & not understood the full purpose of me.  

I wish I was a lumber jack. 

They wear their hats with pride and courage, knowing their job can be dangerous. 

They could die, yet they face death with a grin. 

 I have pride of what I am, but who am I?

  I know my ancestry & where I come from but what makes me.. the person who I am?  

Is it the hobbies that I do or is it the music I listen to?

  Is it the people I hang out with or is it the hat that I wear? 

The hat of a lumber jack.

How to eat a sandwich?

I crest my heavenly toasted B.L.T.  

Tongue sweating from its glorious smell,  

I dared to take a bite.  

The flavor surpasses my senses... I drift into a dream.